|"I wait for the , my whole being waits, and in his word I put my ." Psalm 130:5|
Ever find yourself there, wanting against all wanting to not let yourself build up hope....because you know the big 'ol crash that comes right after a false hope? Yeah, been there, living that. The longer we wait for a baby, the harder I find it to let myself hope that someday we will actually have kids. All those little "symptoms" that used to catch me as a "maybe" don't send me running to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Even those larger symptoms, I find myself more cautious trying to let thoughts run through my mind about "this maybe the time!" I usually wait them out a week and a period starts or they go away. Saves me so much money and heartache.
But every once in awhile, I let down my guard, let a little glimmer of hope run through my mind. It always starts off innocent, just a quick image or a thought about the future. But hope buds, hope builds into a larger story, a grand story that soon you can no longer push to the back of your mind. And then a few weeks go by and your symptoms still stick around and your period never started and you think, well certainly "this must be it!" And then it always happens, I let myself hope, I let this happen and that day, or the next, before I have the nerve to pick up a test and try, all hopes are dashed. And I find myself a crumpled mess on the floor thinking, why do I keep hoping, this is hopeless!
I don't know where to go with this post, apart from saying, I know God can redeem even this mess. I just don't know how to guard my heart time and time again without becoming closed or distant from my dream to be a mom. I want to hope, but I don't want the disappointment. So, as confused, hopeless and empty that I feel, I will continue to rest in the promises of God knowing that my ultimate hope is in Him, not my circumstances, not my feelings, not anything.
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5
"Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my s be dashed." Psalm 119:116
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
"Those who in the will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Who hopes for what they already have? But if we for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25
"Be joyful in , patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
"May the God of fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"Let us hold unswervingly to the we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23