Acknowledging you have lost a child is hard, feeling like you have to stuff your emotions or hide them in tough situations is hard. Baby showers are hard, birthdays are hard. But you know what? Lying to yourself that it isn't hard, is even harder. It's like suffering inside your own brain with no way out.
So as I struggled through the emotions of going to yet another baby shower this weekend, I decided to just say "no." And rather than letting me feel bad about also making that decision and upset I am so emotional and selfish and letting down a friend, Marc gently leaned over and said, "losing a child is something you never get over, so don't try to. You don't have to." He gave me the grace to be ugly and selfish, while still letting me protect my feelings from further heartbreak and frustration.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of God in Marcus. God wants me, just as I am. I do not to have to put on a show or wear my church clothes. He is cool with me in my sweatpants and hoddie and mascara running down my face. He says "comes as you are and stop pretending like I don't already know!" And He allows me to not forget Peyton, no matter how much it hurts sometimes, because sometimes I just miss my baby.