Hello poor blog. Sorry (not sorry sorry) for the hiatus. I would like to say it's intentional but in many ways it's not. They say newborns don't keep; man are they right. My once 5lb squishy newborn is now over 10lbs. That once sleepy snuggler, spends more time each day playing and talking. Her laughs and smiles light up a room. I wish I could bottle her up forever, remember each smell, each noise.
My word for 2016 is Savor. In so many ways, it is my last resort to soak in the moment because I don't want to miss anything. Honestly, my first inclination is not to savor, it is to plan our next adventure or to quickly grab the camera, I don't want to miss this. Pictures often last longer than memories but they help to rekindle those memories. Memories can go so easily. I learned the hard way this week as my journal of her short life so far was quickly lost to the computer. Too many photos taking up my hard drive. Instantly, I panicked. It felt as if all the memories of her newborn weeks were gone, but honestly if I think about it, if I rely on written memories I am not truly soaking it all in. Am I?
Each day is a struggle to soak in every moment but I am trying the best I can. I soak in precious time with God between 10 min naps the baby is fighting. It comes in rocking her 5 minutes more because newborn froggy snuggles can't be taken back. It means Marc and I staying up 15 extra minutes to whisper in the dark to keep from waking her back up. Those moments, all of them, they are life giving.
I lay here in the rocker; its 12am. My two month old, still newborn in my mind, asleep on my chest making smiles in her sleep, her hand tightly holds onto my hair. So many blog ideas run through my head. Like the best writing ideas, they come late at night. And, as I wish to write all there is to write about her life, about motherhood, a part of me struggles with it all. How much to share, what to share, what boundaries to set to protect my sweet daughter, what limits to set so I can be more present. You see, writing takes time. Writing means right now as I formulate the post on my phone notepad, my heart and mind are focused elsewhere. I miss that groggy baby smile. I miss those soft breaths on my neck. I miss her soft baby hair against my chin.
Savor, it means stepping back and intentionally stepping into the moment. Putting aside the story for the moment, that perfect picture that is post worthy, the need to always know what everyone else is doing. It means just living your story, in the moment. Living, truly living in what God has given you at that moment. Whether it be mommyhood or infertility, school or retirement, step back from the expectations and step into just living how you know best and learning each step of the way. Making mental notes rather than well curated social media posts. Remembering those moments because you lived them to the fullest not because you captured them perfectly in pictures or writing. When my daughter looks back on her childhood, I want to be a mommy that was present, available, living inside her world, not a mommy always in front of her camera or computer or phone. So while my heart longs to write the story, it will be her story to tell someday not mine. I can keep memories for my own, but that is what this year is. Soaking those moments in, living in this dream of motherhood and making it my new reality.
Her milk breath and sleep talking coos beacon me back to her and so I snap back and put down my phone. Babies don't keep, moments can last forever if we truly savor them. I choose to be all in, all present. For my daughter, for myself.